Monday, 6 January 2014

Have faith

Life is one of the most unpredictable things around.  We can't plan what's going to happen.  Yes, we can plan for the future and plan everything we want to do, but we still seem to take this short time we have to LIVE for granted.  I was with someone I knew wasn't the right person for me endured years of insane fights for what? When I think back on it now, it feels like I stuck it out just, because I didn't believe that things can be good or just okay.  We accept the love we think we deserve, was something that seemed that I believed.

To give you insight on my past and what made me such a cynic that was basically just waiting to die, I'm not writing this so anyone will feel bad for me, everything that's happened to me has made me the person today.  A happy person that's just trying her best to live and enjoy life. 

From the age of 7-12 I was first molested then raped by a close family friend, I was naive and was slightly brainwashed into believing that this was an acceptable part of life, but as I aged I realized that this was not right.  I went to my parents and told them what happened to me, my parents didn't deal with this in a normal way they accused me of lying, breaking my heart and forcing me to spiral into severe depression.  I had horrible insomnia,  migraines and felt horribly alone.  I tried blocking all these memories out, but like most things you can't run away from your problems.  When I was 16 all these memories kept popping back into my head.  I started feeling really alone and tainted.  I felt dead and a way of copying was to cut myself, I felt ashamed of myself I never cut myself for attention it was for a way to feel alive or just feel anything. I started dating my first boyfriend, I finally felt like somebody cared about me, but I knew he wasn't right for me, it was a verbally abusive relationship that made my heart break.  I would like to say that I found a higher power ( no offense to anyone), but I didn't I realized I'm the only one that can make myself happy relying on others to make you happy is no way to live.  You first have to accept yourself and I did.  I love the person I am today.  I'm a strong woman that's overcome all this.  Yes, I still get my sad days, but I just keep thinking it will get better and life has a funny way of surprising us, its beautiful not knowing whats going to happen it keeps everything interesting :).  My Grandmother always told me that when you find the right person for you. you will just know this is it.  I feel really bad for not believing her all these years, because when it happened I sure did feel like an idiot.

I hope I inspired at least one person not to lose hope ever.  Have faith.

Love Mel

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